For the “love” of soaps-A Kenyan man’s perspective

IMG_20160603_102634_090“We ain’t as romantic as the guys they see on TV”. That’s what our Kenyan divas say, and to that I say, you’re damn right! The men south of the Sahara ain’t wired that way. Lol. We suck at the western romantic gestures but we really are good at our own romantic ways. It’s crazy for Bonareri to expect Njoroge from Kinoo, leave alone Mogaka from Nyamira to be Lorenzo from the soap opera she watched on TV.

First things first, Lorenzo and Maria Clara ain’t their real names. Those are fictitious names they have used to pass across their agenda. We call them stage names in Hollywood. These characters are very different in real life. So let’s agree that whatever happens in Hollywood is better left just in Hollywood. That leaves us with a reality check on our njoroge and Bonareri.

You want some flowers, probably every evening? I can assure you it ain’t happening. First, because we really forget very fast. I love how Allonzo Boden puts it in his comedy show, “Men invented instant replay to see what they just saw.” What does that tell you? We honestly forget, really fast. Flowers are costly and as a man species, we are wired to forget expensive stuff by default. Actually, let me be a little more honest, if it’s flowers that you really want, then we can get you flowers, the only catch being, please don’t be picky…accept our readily available flowers, after all, it’s the thought that counts. I know some yellow bitter flowers that exist freely, most people use them to feed the goats…and we can easily pluck them on the way home. Problem is, you don’t want those… Do you know how much roses cost? Leave alone the fact rose flowers are so complicated in nature, such that you are in danger of completely ruining the mood of the night if you don’t take their color and season into consideration. Trust me, that comes with a huge prize to pay, if you don’t believe me, grab yourself a bunch of white and black roses and hand deliver them during Valentine’s Day, lol. Lovely? Nope! And btw, roses come with thorns… THORNS DIVAS…THORNS, we don’t know how to carry ourselves around thorny stuff, they put thorny kofias on Jesus on the cross. U remember that story? How do you now want us to go about this thorny technology?

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Flowers aside, you divas want us to take you out to dinner at least once a month. Now, that’s possible only if the ksh.5000 dinner really comes with the plate, utensils and, if possible, the table set. Honestly, the table set is about ksh.3000, a plate costs about ksh.600 for a set of 6 so, 100 bucks per plate, but we can let that rest at ksh.600, utensils price is negligible. For fries, 500 bucks is enough to buy potatoes, tomatoes, onions and right there, we have fries and some kachumbari too. See how well that turned out? We are not being cheap, just inexpensive and reasonable. Oh! Also, remember that we are gonna have dinner in a comfortably lit house, candle lit dinners ain’t so good, the smoke is too much. Why go through the smoke trying to eat while we can easily achieve “clear white” light just by turning on a light switch, see?

Now this is the most ridiculous idea to me, “let’s go camping”. Go camping??? Who in their right senses wants to spent millions of hard earned cash to buy a house and then go sleep outside? Do you see how crazy that idea sounds??? First of all, do you know how scary it can get out there? Snakes love slithering at night, and mind you, those things are ugly and dangerous. So you want me to get out of my comfortable house and go sleep in a tent just so that I can look like Lorenzo? No thanks, let Njoroge be Njoroge. We don’t like interfering with creation, we are meant to be inside and the rest of the animals, out.

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You know how some people try to give you credit and you just don’t feel like you deserve it? Or maybe, you don’t even view it as a credit? Here is one for you divas. In the 21st century that we now live in, technology has moved to greater heights. Young kids get born into technology and they actually do well in that sector. So I really don’t understand why divas would wanna be left out of this “smart” generation. Having said that, I do not understand the thought process behind opening the car door for the divas. Honestly, we can do that, but we feel like it will be degrading our divas. This is something that a 4 year old can easily accomplish without much thought, imagine what your kids will think of you, “mum can’t get herself around the car door opening technology”??? So how is that romantic? We are trying to give you credit for what we truly believe that you deserve, and there is nothing as romantic as that.

See divas, we got ya. When it comes to African romance, we are dating bombs!

Bahama Breeze Factory
Nairobi, Kenya

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